I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
