i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
