Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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