Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
