Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
