It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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