I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
