just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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