My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
