Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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