Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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