I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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