I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
