I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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