when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
