the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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