dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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