Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize