i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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