Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
