the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
