I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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