Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
