At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
