Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You have to summon your inner elephant
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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