Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize