U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
