the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
