He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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