And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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