I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize