haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
