Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
