I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
