By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
not ubering you a puppy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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