You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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