I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I will be naked everywhere
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize