I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
