we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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