I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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