Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In America we eat man semen.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
