Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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