i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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