I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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