Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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