you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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