I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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