After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
