i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
