the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
