best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
