some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
