Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
