dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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