im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
