Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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