I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
