Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
