Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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