i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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