why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
