im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
