Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
