I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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