His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
