i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
